everyone ends up in the kitchen

2020 gave me more time than I wanted to think about what kind of life I really want to live. Transitioning to a new year and considering these things, I've realized a few things about myself that aren't earth shattering and are pretty obvious, but they've taken root in my mind and life instead of briefly landing and flying away. Perhaps that is the blessing of the past 10 months. I've been forced into a stillness and quietness that actually allowed these things to deepen and grow. Ok, I'm rarely physically still, but it's 

more of a stillness in my mind. 

As a verbal and external processor who rarely interacts with humans outside of my household these days, I know it's increasingly important and healthy to get these thoughts out of my head so thank you for allowing me to process with you! 

Realization #1: I couldn't sit still or relax at home. I've known this about myself for a long time - decades - but I didn't find anything wrong with this until I had to be at home. all. the. time. So, like many, my first 6 weeks of quarantine were ridiculously productive. As an enneagram 3, I loved completing a project or cleaning and organizing a new area, but after 6 weeks, I wasn't done, and I was exhausted and dissatisfied. I love productivity - I find value, energy, and satisfaction in it - so why am I always drained and never satisfied?  That must live inside of me instead of outside of me. My inner voice tells me I have to get it all done so that I can allow myself to relax and enjoy time with those I love doing things I love. I'm finally questioning and quieting that voice. Don't get me wrong - I still LOVE organizing, purging, sorting, all the things - but now, I'm experiencing the freedom to stop and be still, stop and play, and just stop. 

Realization #2: Time management isn't about getting more done. It's about enjoying what matters most. My time management narrative was upside down - much like the old food pyramids we were taught as kids, right? My time should be first and foremost allocated to the people and activities I love, and that fill me with joy. WOW this is big for me, and I wouldn't be even mentally moving in this direction if it were not for realization #1. I'm not great at this, but I know with practice, commitment, and really saying it out loud (well, writing it down and putting it out there for public consumption) will reinforce this reality and my freedom to orient my time this way will grow. It's my expectations of myself that I seek to justify, and being together all the time for the past 9 months exposed my inner voice and the reality that I've had it all wrong for so long. 

Realization #3: My story, our story, is always being written. I will always be dissatisfied and never be "finished" in this life. I find immense freedom in owning this reality! I am free to accomplish things because I want to - not because I will ever be done. My satisfaction should be in the present, not in the pursuit of some future state. I really do find joy in an organized space, so I can enjoy that and that is ok. I find so much joy in watching sports and movies with my family, taking walks, going for runs, playing in the snow, sitting on the sand, game nights, lifting weights, watching my kids do what they love, my in-laws, taking time over meals, traveling, talking with friends, painting (rooms and art ;) ) and being outside, and these are valuable and worthwhile uses of my time. 

I'm grateful for a family who extend me so much grace, and we talk openly about our failures and fears.  I fail and keeping these things present, and in times of stress, I become hyper-focused on organizing and checking things off my list. Seeing these in myself allows me the freedom to speak to, and hopefully one day, change, my inner voice. Right now, when I'm stressed it still feels a lot like that scene in War Games and apparently my inner voice is more stubborn that an computer, but I know and believe I am able to grow and change in these ways. 

My words for 2021, which I should more appropriately call my self talk, are simplify, rest, engage, create.

Has the past year given you pause and have you learned new things about yourself?  Do you have words for 2021? I would love to hear from you!